Before Core Muscles: Core Values
Dear readers,
I'm glad to have the right and
opportunity to sit here and write. Sharing my life with you is of great value
for me, and I want to acknowledge you first, for choosing to enter this blog
and read it. My intention in my blog, as I previously stated, is to share my
life in such a way that would enable you to be in touch with the things that
live in the foundation of what it is to be a human being. Therefore, before you
go on with your reading, I request that you free yourself from all the other
things you might be doing at the moment, like open internet pages, phone calls,
and any other distractions that might be around. I ask it in order for this
blog to be effective and meaningful to you. If you can't free yourself from
other tasks or activities right now, please leave the blog now and come back to
it later, when you can concentrate on it only. Thank you.
The title for this blog came up to
my mind a few hours ago. I have been processing the materials for the content
for a few weeks now, but the title came up just now, after I witnessed an
interesting event here in Tel Aviv.
3 Hours ago I was riding my bicycle
in a main street here in the city, on my way back from some arrangements for my
beloved one, Moran. As I came to cross a main road, I saw two young people on a
motorbike kick and smash a nearby mirror and window of a car. The car, in their
opinion, didn’t react fast enough to the green light on the traffic light. I
immediately put down my i-pod earphones and went to see what's going on. The
young people on the motorbike cursed and drove away. An old couple, with a
shocked face, went out of the car to see the damage done to their vehicle. The
good part was that I was able to write down the motorbike's number, so they can
start a justice process regarding the issue. We stood there for a few minutes,
me and other shocked people, who found it hard to see this act of violence.
This event took me many years back
to my childhood. Actually, each time I witness some expression of violence,
weather it is physical, emotional, explicit or implicit (and the last case is
very common), my body goes through a very familiar sensation, of which I
happened to know somewhere about 25 years ago.
As a child, I grew up in a place where
other kids, who called themselves my "friends", used to threaten me,
bit and sometime they even locked me in the basement. For a couple of years I
succeeded to hide it from my parents and family, because those kids (who were
older than me) threatened that if I would tell something- a very bad thing
would happen. Thus, for a few years, I lived in a constant sensation of fear, I
was even afraid to go out to the street or class, just in case that those kids "will
be waiting for me there", and decide that they want to threaten, bit or
lock me in the basement. Because I was living in what occurred to me than as a
dead end, that is to say, I was in a constant fear of sharing it with someone,
I decided quite early in my life to learn some self defense, and I signed up to
a Karate club.
At about the same time,
my parents got divorced, and because my sister and I left with my mom to
another neighborhood, the interaction with the abusive teenagers stopped.
Karate, on the other hand, and the decision I have made to learn to protect
myself, turned to be the center of my life for about ten years or so. School,
girls, play and other activities that are common for teenagers, were not much
of an interest to me. I was an average student, quite weak with girls, but I
did very well in karate. I showed both talent and effort in my training, and I
have made a fast and remarkable progress. After almost six years I received my
black belt, and after another three years my 2th Dan.
You see, as a child, I made a life
shaping decision: "I will never let anybody hurt me. I will always show
that I am strong".
Today, a fair amount of years after
I made this decision, I can begin to see that my whole life, my whole way of
being, all my actions, were shaped upon that decision. On the basis of the
seven years old boy, I shaped my life in order to survive it. For most of us,
life seems to be like an enormous ocean of survival, with some small islands of
ease inside, in which they become smaller and smaller as we mature. It doesn't
matter how successful we are, how famous or rich we are, we live in that being
of survival, and we try to survive the best we can.
A lot of times I tell Moran, my
love, that one of the most important things I have learned from work came from
working with very rich people. I could see very easily, that in the level of
being, they try to survive exactly like the rest of us, and they actually don't
have anything which I lack. Getting this insight in such a direct experience,
was one of my turning points that enabled me to reconsider what is really
important to me as a human being. When I speak about turning point, I mean the
stand I took for my life, and it is that my life is not about survival. Maybe
my organism is designed to survive, my brain is designed to survive, and I live
my life from a seven years old boy perspective, but I choose, and I have got
the right to choose, who I am and what my life is about. I want to expand a
little bit about this last sentence.
What do I mean by "my organism
is designed to survive" ?
I am aware of my physical body. I
know that every cell in my body, every tissue and every system in my body are
designed in order to survive. I love my
body, and I respect and care for it very much. But I am not my body. My body is
a machine, very precious one, and I care, feed and treat it the best I can. But
who I am, is not this machine.
What do I mean by "My brain is
designed to survive?"
My brain, as the brain of any other
human beings and animals, is a fascinating biological machine that is designed
to survive. For this purpose, it continuously tries so learn the past, and
predict the future. All the brain functions of mine- my thoughts, emotions,
wants, what I like and dislike- are all an automatic processes of my brain. If
I take a careful look at it, I am even not the source of it. I do not really
think. I have thoughts. If you stop for a second now, you can notice a few
things: 1.All your thoughts on what I write and you read are a complete
automatic and mechanical process. Your thoughts and reactions are just there,
and you don’t have to do anything for them to be there. 2. You do not choose
what or how to feel. You read what is written here. And you have the illusion
that "you" like it or not. Aligned with it or not. Actually, it has
nothing to do with you. Your brain has already decided for you, and created an
emotional experience, thoughts, and a certain kind of stand. These things are a
happening. They are not things that we do. As for me, I know that my brain is a
wonderful machine that keeps my heart beating and enables me to live at this
very moment. I honor it very much. But who I am, is not my brain.
What do I mean by "I live my
life from a seven years old boy perspective?"
I remind you and me the decision I
made: "I will never let anybody hurt me. I will always show that I am
strong". Today, I can see that in different times in my life this sentence
had different customs. After my teens, when the actual physical threat
disappeared, I worked out a lot in the gym, and put a lot of effort in my
external look. You see, all I wanted was to make the impression: "I am strong". All I wanted was to
impress people, in order to be loved and not to get hurt, in order to be
respected and not neglected. For many years I lived from a perspective of a
"too thin guy", and put much effort in building a strong persona. And
I did all that so "I will never let anybody hurt me. I will always show
that I am strong".
At a certain point, I understood that the prize will
not come from lifting heavy metals in the gym or from shouting loud noises when
lifting it. I needed something else. In order to show that I am strong, but not
only as a child or a teen, I also need to show that I am smart. Because
"knowledge is power, isn’t it?". So I studied philosophy in university,
finished with honor, and became quite good in the philosophical discourse. But
you see, what was the basis for all that? "I will never let anybody hurt me. I will
always show that I am strong" (and smart !). By the way, this same need to
look strong and smart became a barrier in some important relationships in my
life, like the one with my dear sister. For years I tried to show her that I'm
better than her and didn’t miss any opportunity to prove her wrong and myself
right.
So, this decision of seven years old boy actually destroyed the
relationship with my sister, years after. Today I do not agree to pay this
price any more. What important to me is love, affinity, relationships and
communication- much more than being right or showing how strong and smart I am.
After my philosophy studies I continued to learn overseas in different places,
and completed another degree, this time in physical therapy.
All based on this same motivation: To keep my
identity, to succeed, to show that I am strong and so successful with diplomas
that it's actually impossible to hurt me and think I am weak (or not
successful, to say the least). Yes, even
my "spiritual journey", my Buddhism studies. It was all the same
trap: To save my own ass, so I can be" happy" you know, so I will be
someone who looks "strong and tough".
You see, my whole life, was a
continuous journey of in-authenticity. And there is nothing special here, no
drama. It is the characteristic of all human beings. The question is whether
one chooses to see it or not.
And today I know, that who I am, is
not a decision made by seven years old boy.
What am I committed to today?
To begin with, I take full
responsibility on my life. And it includes the thoughts, emotions, wants,
actions and decisions I make (try to think about it, what it means for you to
take responsibility on your thoughts and feelings?).
Second, I get in touch with what is
important to me as a human being. I call it core values, and define them as
such that my life is not worth living without them (I thank my mentor DaveLogan for the definition).
Some of my core values are:
Freedom
Love
Affinity
Trust
Communication (listening)
Fun
Making a difference in people's lives
Contribution to the quality of life
of people
Leadership
I invite you to take a moment and
make a core values list for yourself as well. Try to think from what really
matters to you as a human being, in such a way that your life wouldn't be worth
living without it. You can start to examine, weather your thoughts, way of
being, decisions, and acts, are coherent with your core values. I would love to
hear about this fascinating process. It’s a very remarkable one.
We will soon enter Passover. This
holiday signifies the turning point from slavery to freedom. I don’t know what
freedom is for you. I know that for me, one manifestation of it is me being
authentic about my own in-authenticity. And the sharing of it exists thanks to
you. Thanks to your reading and listening. My personal freedom exists through
your listening. My freedom does not exist in "my" life, but in our
lives. This freedom belongs to all of us, human beings.
Before I end, I would like to add a
few words. First, I want to thank you for being with what I wrote here. I don’t
ask you to like, dislike, respect or disrespect what I wrote. I just want to thank you for being with it.
And I want to acknowledge you Moran, my fiancée, my love, who is now very far
away. I acknowledge you for the support, equanimity, and for the stand you take
that enable me to live my core values. It's is not going to work alone. I got
it late, but good that I got it!
And of course, I acknowledge Landmark education, for opening up the opportunity to create for myself- many
of the things you have just read.
Ohad.
